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Cycle 20

7 November 2021 12:38 p.m. Day four. So that's it, it is almost done. Few more remaining stains and it will be over. I feel exhausted, drained and weak. I think back at how painful the past few days have been for me. I can't help but wonder, is that it? Or is the worse yet to come? The intensity of my cramps and postmenstrual symptoms have all led me to feel even more confused than I was before about my PCOS. None of the previous 19 cycles' symptoms resembles my 20th one. As a matter of fact, it is only tending to worsen. I wouldn't lie, all of it makes me feel worried sick. I cannot help but think that the remedies I tried have all been wasted. I woke up trying to pluck out these hairs on my chin again this morning. I swear to God, I am so despiteful for that. I wish I could truly reach out to any kind of support group about this. I have grown so used to my appearance being judged as an outcome of overeating, that I have developed a bad eating mechanism where I would m
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Vulnerable... Me.

I am having one of those moments again. Is it possible to feel like your organs have literally been set on fire? Constantly? I have lost and keep on losing huge amounts of hair. Since I aim to get back on my feet as soon as possible, I am meant to keep on practicing in a non-stop pace. But to be very honest, some days I can barely feel any fulfillment even if I do get through. I feel like this thing is just there and it pricks me. I had recently gained weight. Not that it bothered me, but I bore the blame of eating too much that I had to reduce my food intake. Yet, it feels not enough. I am not sure that this lack of self-content has much to do with my diet nor this stupid pcos thingy. I don't even know how I feel about my diagnosis. Sometimes I am scared, scared that I might have eventually lost some sort of happiness. I can't exactly figure out what has happened to me and it bothers me. I am not so quiet and sad usually. But it seems that no matter what I do to be happy, does
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Just live 🌹

Stop identifying yourself with their guilt tripping patterns. Stop looking at things the way society normalizes it to be seen. I know most of them out there would be hell bent on trying to control the way you respond to what they have to say. But if you must, in order to find your peace. Learn to let go of these generation values. Be so free in your own existence, that nothing can restrict or contain who you are meant to be. Life is too short to do anything but what adorns your soul. ❤️
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