Cycle 20

7 November 2021 12:38 p.m.

Day four. So that's it, it is almost done. Few more remaining stains and it will be over. I feel exhausted, drained and weak. I think back at how painful the past few days have been for me. I can't help but wonder, is that it? Or is the worse yet to come? The intensity of my cramps and postmenstrual symptoms have all led me to feel even more confused than I was before about my PCOS. None of the previous 19 cycles' symptoms resembles my 20th one.

As a matter of fact, it is only tending to worsen. I wouldn't lie, all of it makes me feel worried sick. I cannot help but think that the remedies I tried have all been wasted. I woke up trying to pluck out these hairs on my chin again this morning. I swear to God, I am so despiteful for that. I wish I could truly reach out to any kind of support group about this. I have grown so used to my appearance being judged as an outcome of overeating, that I have developed a bad eating mechanism where I would mostly eat half my stomach and eventually I would be afraid of taking in food items like rice, potatoes, dairy products, basically fats stuff.

Even worse, the fear of the repetitive comments about my weight held me captive so badly that I ended up forcing the weight loss. I did try visiting a dietician the past two months, but unfortunately, no good seems to have come out of it, as I was only advised to have more fruits and veggies plus water. I mean, what kind of way out is this? Most fruits make my stomach feel stuffed with acid. Quite honestly, every food item makes me feel nauseous at some point. I wish there was also a proper way to probe into my PCOS type. All the symptoms from each type feel relatable and it only creates more doubt for me. I really wish someone could help me through this...