Vulnerable... Me.

I am having one of those moments again. Is it possible to feel like your organs have literally been set on fire? Constantly? I have lost and keep on losing huge amounts of hair. Since I aim to get back on my feet as soon as possible, I am meant to keep on practicing in a non-stop pace. But to be very honest, some days I can barely feel any fulfillment even if I do get through. I feel like this thing is just there and it pricks me. I had recently gained weight. Not that it bothered me, but I bore the blame of eating too much that I had to reduce my food intake. Yet, it feels not enough. I am not sure that this lack of self-content has much to do with my diet nor this stupid pcos thingy. I don't even know how I feel about my diagnosis. Sometimes I am scared, scared that I might have eventually lost some sort of happiness. I can't exactly figure out what has happened to me and it bothers me. I am not so quiet and sad usually. But it seems that no matter what I do to be happy, doesn't seem to make me so. I feel like going away, starting my life over. Differently. As a matter of fact, sometimes  I even wish I was a different person, my situations were different. Not that I regret my existence. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I just want to be free. Free from my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities that often make me realize how suppressed it all kept my achievements. I would love to travel. I want to experience the bliss of most exquisite destinations. I just want to feel each cold breeze right against my skin. But above all, I am dying to live a life where I get to be the one doing my thing my own way. I know it won't be easy, it might even get very lonely at some point. Put I guess, I have for a long time been putting myself up to everybody's expectations that I don't even know what do I want. Or who am I really underneath all of these duties and responsibilities. I guess I just want to go on a road where I might find myself and the very purpose of my existence...


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