I don't know anymore

 I don't even recall my last natural cycle. My ingrown hairs, no matter how many times I have tried to pluck them off, have only been worsening. I often feel this loadedness around my sore breasts like they are going to cause a rip off. I have never really had any insecurities coming from the fact that I do have a generous chest area.

As a matter of fact, I have known far too many. For whom, my curves and shape were a matter of irresistible attraction, desire and daring dark thoughts. I was doing quite fine until recently. I get days where my whole body feels swamped with ache and days where all my senses are overflood with burning desire. 

As many alternatives, medication, vitamins as I could consider taking upon suggestions, I don't know if they have been fruitful in rearranging my metabolic clock. It scares me. As much as I can remember, I also heard lots of versions and criticism for how my oversized belly seems to hang. My weight, somehow no matter what strict diet and work out I attempt, doesn't seem to be shed down. 

I was always bullied for my physical appearance. When I was younger, it was about me being underweight. Now that I am an adult, they've made it a habit to criticise my adult woman- well-adjusted rondeures. At that time, many people used to pick at my mother and scold her that she wasn't making sure I was being fed properly. Now, it has escalated from wrong assumptions of elaborate sexual activities to the even wrong assumptions that I keep stuffing my stomach.

Sometimes, worn out of the cruelty in their words; I gave it my all to make it go away. I am at times ashamed of it, but desperate, I even tried starving myself for hours at times. I used to struggle with acidity the next days.

But more to it, what scares me to death about the pcos deal is the infertility struggles attached to it. I am already given a hard time because of my disability. Despite thousands of them knowing I didn't choose any of it. But now, it feels only worst to be in this uncertainty of becoming a fulfilled woman. I'm very scared for what is to come. It hurts so bad.